wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize