K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
