I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize