wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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