i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
