Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
