There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
