The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
