How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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