You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
