I will die if light touches me.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
