I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
