Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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