Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
