Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
