I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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