I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
