We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
why do cheetos always look like penises
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
