That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
