If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
