We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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