My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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