I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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