Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
