A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
