Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
