You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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