If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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