he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
