Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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