She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
