so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
