If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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