I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
