Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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