Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
