So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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