so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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