am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
