A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You dont lie about slip and slides
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
