So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I want a musical about memes.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
