i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
