God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
