I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
