Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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