We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize