It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
