i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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