The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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