Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
