Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
