I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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