I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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