Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
