My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize