walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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