____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just want nice things and good sex
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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