Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
