I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize