Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
