just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She told me I should be a condom model.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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