Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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