I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
