Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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