White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
